


million bad habits to kick

by cosetties



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Banter, Even's POV, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, honestly this is so gross?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8921452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosetties/pseuds/cosetties
Summary: Five times Even had to explain what Isak means to him, and one time he doesn't have to. (It doesn’t make sense. One boy in a ridiculous red snapback isn’t a profound revelation. He shouldn’t even be a blip on Even’s radar.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from A World Alone by Lorde. Basically, I listened to Pure Heroine on repeat as I wrote this, but what's new. Honestly, I just have too many emotions about these two, and I hope this means I can stop screaming about them for a couple of days at least.

_i. vilde_

The first time Even sees him across the crowded cafeteria feels like the start of the worst kind of trouble. Sonja had just called – presumably to wish him luck on his first day at Nissen, but it had turned into another lecture. _Remember not to drink that beer in your fridge all at once. Are you and Mikael smoking again? Please take your meds, I won’t be there to remind you every day._

It hadn’t always been like this. Sonja had been good for him, once, back when he needed someone to keep him from striking the match inside himself and self-combusting. He likes to think he’s older and wiser now. It’s probably bullshit, but Even’s had years of lying to himself. 

That boy sitting at the table next to the stairs looks like he could get it. His friends are laughing around him, but he’s staring off at something Even can’t see, fidgeting with his hands. It’s a restlessness Even knows all too well. He wonders if they speak the same language of loneliness.

It doesn’t make sense. One boy in a ridiculous red snapback isn’t a profound revelation. He shouldn’t even be a blip on Even’s radar. This is _wrong._

But that doesn’t change things.

“Nice hat,” Even almost calls out to him, like he’s fucking Charles from _Four Weddings and a Funeral._ Then they’d somehow fall into bed together, once, twice, too many times, against a background of drama. Maybe they’d fall in love. He could walk over right now and be the protagonist of his own movie. Better yet – be the director, so he can get every detail right on the first try. Even’s not too accustomed to second chances.

Then, the guy lets out a full-body laugh that shakes his entire frame. His smile almost splits his face in half. It makes Even’s heart hurt so much that he stays planted in his seat. The guy is happy as he is. He doesn’t need Even. If Even had thought, for a minute, that they could be good for each other, that’s just wishful thinking. Even would only suck the life out of him.

That doesn’t change things either.  

It doesn’t take him long to realize that a second-year named Vilde knows everyone at Nissen.

“Who’s that guy? The one with the red hat?” he says casually. Vilde doesn’t buy it, and her eyes narrow.

“Him? That’s just Isak Valtersen. Why?” she asks suspiciously.

“Nothing. I’ve just seen him around, that’s all.”

Even also knows where his locker is, where he hangs out after school, where he sits in the cafeteria. That’s all. It’s a little pathetic. He’s never crushed this hard on someone so unattainable. With Sonja, it had fallen together a bit too easily. For all he knows, Isak doesn’t even like boys.

“Does he have a girlfriend?” asks Even, slowly.  

Vilde’s enthusiasm is about as subtle as the ending of a Shakespeare tragedy. “He hasn’t had a girlfriend for ages. Are you asking for a friend?”

Even shrugs, smile tugging at his lips. “You could say that.”

_ii. mikael_

“I can’t believe you wasted that much paper,” Mikael says. They’re spread out on Mikael’s balcony, and Even’s feet dangle over the edge. He takes a drag from the joint, letting the smoke fill up his lungs. Sonja had taken his last stash of weed, but he’d gotten more even as she’d tried to guilt him into stopping. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. 

Mikael’s working for a production company now, but they keep in touch as best as they can. It sometimes feels like he’s light-years away. Mikael, Sonja, all his friends from high school are off in the real world, but Even’s still stuck one step behind. He wonders when he’ll finally catch up. 

“I was improvising _._ It was hot and mysterious.”

Mikael snorts. “Probably could’ve just lured him outside with the weed.”

“Stop ruining the goddamn story.”

“Why him?” Mikael asks. For once, Even’s glad that Mikael’s never approved of Sonja. He hadn’t brought her up tonight. If you ask him, he’d say he saw their breakup coming from a mile away.

Even stretches his arms out. “I don’t know. Could be nothing.” The pages of doodles Even has of Isak say otherwise.

“Do you think it’s nothing?”

“Does it have to be more than a possibility for it to be real?”

Mikael shoves his shoulder. “You fucking pretentious motherfucker.”

 _iii. kollektivet_  

He runs into Eskild in the bathroom the Sunday after he finally kisses Isak.  

“Who are _you?_ ” Eskild drawls. His eyes drag over Even’s body. “Noora, did we suddenly get a fifth roommate? Why didn’t you warn me that he was hot?”

This was a mistake. He should’ve slipped out of there as soon as he could. But he can’t deny that a part of him had wanted to linger in Isak’s apartment, leave open the possibility of slipping back into that warm bed. But he has ten unopened voicemails from Sonja on his phone, and he can’t even count all the texts from his mom.

“I’m Even. I was just…staying with Isak,” says Even. Cool, casual. As if there was anything cool or casual about staying with Isak.

“Staying with Isak… _how?”_ Eskild’s eyes narrow. “You were in there all weekend.”

Even shrugs. “My place had some repairs, and I needed somewhere to stay.”

“So Isak is…”

“Friend from school. We met through kosegruppa.”

“Is _that_ what they’re calling it these days?” It's hard to make Even blush, but the mere suggestion in Eskild’s voice is almost enough to do it. Eskild’s not _wrong._

A blonde head peeks out from behind Eskild. This must be Noora. It’s 8 in the morning and she already looks perfect. “Leave him alone, Eskild. Even, was it? Do you want to stay for breakfast?” 

 _Yes,_ he wants to say. He could stay here in Isak’s world a little longer. Swap embarrassing stories about him, maybe. Even’s already memorized the way he drools in his sleep and his subpar rapping skills.

His phone beeps again with another text from his mom.

“I can’t,” he says with a grimace. “But next time, maybe?”

Eskild nods wildly, and Noora gives a soft, knowing smile. _Next time_ , he promises himself. He can do that.

_iv. sonja_

He finds her in his room, only thirty minutes after he’d texted her to talk. She’s on the floor next to his bed, her sweater pulled around her body. Her eyes look red, but there’s not a tear in sight. She must have let herself in. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember how tightly Sonja is intertwined into every aspect of his life. For years, being with Sonja was as automatic as breathing, until his lungs had started to burn from the tightness.

She doesn’t even look up when he enters the room.

Her voice is brittle as she says, “Do you remember this was where we first kissed? We were watching Moulin Rouge. You were too busy analyzing the cinematography to pay any bit of attention to me, and I just wanted to kiss you so _badly_. We were so young. I didn’t even think you’d kiss me back.” She chuckles drily. “But you did, and hell, I couldn’t stop grinning for days.”

“Sonja…”

“If you were still hung up on Isak, you didn’t have to kiss me at that party.”

“I was confused. Shit had just happened with him, and I wasn’t even sure – “

She finally makes eye contact, and it stops Even in his tracks. He’s only seen someone look this lost in the mirror.

“What do you _want?”_ she asks.

What does he want? To be with Isak? To make Isak happy the way he deserves, with someone entirely more stable than Even could ever be? 

He just wants to breathe again. 

He settles on an answer, clear and simple. “I have feelings for him.”

“And me?”

“I feel like you don’t know me anymore.” 

Sonja lets out a breath. “Be practical, Even. Can he take care of you? Does he even know you’re bipolar? Do you think he’d – “

“Do I think that he’d stay if he knew?”

 _Because he wouldn’t._ He'd made that all too clear. Even should’ve been strong enough to keep away. And he had been, for days. Staying away from Isak would only save him the inevitable heartbreak. Soon, he’d forget all about Even, move on to some new boy. He wouldn’t have any trouble.

But Even’s weak, and what the hell is he supposed to do when Isak already feels like he could destroy him and build him back up with only a breath?

Sonja turns away. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Why did you stay? Was it because you needed someone to take care of? Get your Good Samaritan points whenever you had to deal with me?”

“That’s unfair, and you know it.”

“Yeah? Maybe it is.” He shakes his head. “But you don’t get it. I don’t need someone to take care of me.”

“Then what _do_ you want?” she asks again.

There are a million answers. He wants control over his own head, he wants to graduate, he wants to fucking smoke without worrying whether it’ll fuck him up. He wants to be nineteen and living his life the way everyone else does effortlessly – the way Isak thinks he does.

But that’s a story for another day. Right now, he wants to kiss Isak again, just once, even if it all goes to shit afterwards.

Sonja blinks rapidly, and Even can tell she’s holding tears back. For the first time in a year, Even’s in control in their relationship. He feels terrible that he actually doesn’t feel too terrible about it. Maybe he will later, when he has time to process. Not now, when he can finally make a goddamn choice. 

He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I don’t have a good answer for you. But I know I don’t want this anymore.”

_v. mom_

He comes home to the smell of pasta permeating the kitchen. His mom only cooks on special occasions. _I wasn’t raised to be a housewife,_ she’d always say. Even wonders when him being safe at home had become a special occasion.  

Mom comes to the doorway of the kitchen, wiping her hands clean on a towel. He hasn’t seen her since he'd run off to Nissen last Friday night, and he’s forgotten how the sight of her could cheer him up. The dark circles under her eyes are still prominent, but when she smiles, her eyes light up. “Did you have fun with Isak? Did you tell him I wanted to meet him?”

“Mom, I haven’t even gotten my shoes off yet.”

“Excuse me for wanting to know about my son’s new boyfriend, especially since you’ve hardly said more than two words about him before last week.” She swats him with the towel. “I just want to know what’s going on in your life,” she says quietly.

Mom had loved Sonja like a daughter, but Even could never tell whether that was genuine or if it was a side effect of mere exposure. Sonja kept tabs on Even for her, when explaining himself to his mom felt a little like ripping his insides out. Isak is uncharted territory for her. He knows that, but he can’t help but want to keep Isak to himself. This thing between them barely has a name. 

Her face is soft. “What’s he like?” 

“He’s…” Even shakes his head. Given enough money, given enough time, he could probably recreate what he feels for Isak through music, camera angles, lighting. He’d probably re-do their first meeting – what was he thinking with those paper towels anyway? He would’ve talked to Isak weeks before he’d finally found a good enough excuse for them to interact. He would’ve spent those extra weeks tracing kisses into Isak’s skin until they became permanent.

But life isn’t a movie, and his words will never be big enough for him to even begin to explain all that Isak is. Mom can’t feel what he feels. 

Even settles on, “The first time I ever talked to him, he could barely look me in the eyes.”

Mom chuckles. “Sounds like your father. Afterwards, he told me it hurt too much to look at me, I was so beautiful.”

“Now that’s just overdoing it.”

“Your dad’s a real romantic.”

“Isak’s the same way. He’d never admit it though,” says Even. Isak would never be able to put it into words either, but maybe these past few days, those deep kisses at the door before Even finally left for home, were enough of a confession.

Mom lets out a breath. “I’m glad.”

“Yeah, me too.”

\+ 1

Later, when they’ve finally cleared everyone out of Isak’s apartment, Even finds himself patting down the flyaway strands of Isak’s hair. In the end, Magnus and Vilde had been the hardest to shoo away. Isak had been too scared to interrupt, and judging from the meows Even heard a few times from their general direction, he wasn’t sure he was ready to go there either. They’d finally left at midnight, after Magnus had gotten a call from his mother of all people. 

Even’s wearing Isak’s gray hoodie again as he runs his fingers through Isak’s hair. Isak’s cold toes poke at his shins, but he doesn’t care. The weight of Isak’s arms around him is warm enough.

“Can you _imagine_ what their sex life will be like?” says Isak, grimacing. “Why’d you have to give Magnus good advice? Now they’re going to be gross forever.”

Even steals a kiss, and is rewarded by Isak nuzzling even deeper into his chest. “You posted a couple picture on Instagram today. I don’t think we have any ground to stand on.”

Isak sputters, blushes. “That’s different.”

“Never thought you’d turn out to be this much of a loser.”

“I could break up with you right now.”

Even lets out a deep sigh. “You won’t. You need my smile to give your life meaning. You need my heartbeat to keep yours going. You need – “

“Promise me you won’t start with epic romances once you become a movie director. You’d ruin romance. Hallmark would sue you for fucking up their Valentine’s Day profits.”

Even pulls the hood of Isak’s hoodie over his eyes. “Okay, _baby._ Whatever you say. And I’ll have you know I’m a fucking romance expert. I’m here, right?”

Isak pushes the hood back over his forehead. “Yeah? When did you first realize you liked me?” Isak asks him. He says it half-laughing, but Even can hear the seriousness under his words.

“Probably when you pretended to like Nas just to impress me. Nas! _Nas._ Nas? It was adorable.” Even taps Isak on the nose, and Isak retaliates by hitting him with his pillow.  

“I knew Nas, I just didn’t know they were his songs.”

“‘I’m Isak, I’m cool. I wear snapbacks and listen to 90’s hip-hop, just not one of the most iconic rappers of all time – “

At that, Isak tackles him against the bed and whips his blanket away. “Give that back,” Even whines, struggling against Isak’s weight. His arms are too skinny to be this strong. That blanket was _warm._

“Not until you admit that I have better taste in music than you do.”

“That’d be a lie, because a certain someone named Jonas informed me about the month when all you listened to was Jason Mraz.”

“Fucking traitor _,”_ Isak mutters. “But still better than _Gabrielle.”_

“I’m a man of many interests. Sometimes people just won’t understand.” He tickles Isak’s stomach. “Explains why I like you.”

Isak rolls his eyes at Even. “According to Eskild, I’m lazy and smell bad. You’d probably have more luck dating an air freshener. Make it jerk off to NAS with you.” 

But the truth is, Even _can_ explain it. He likes the way Isak carefully styles his hair for school, but lets it hang in a mess when Even first sees him in the mornings. He likes how his body is practically a furnace, and Even can steal the blankets as obnoxiously as he wants to. He likes that Isak supports his friends quietly but solidly, can support _him_ like that when their entire relationship seems like a vast unknown.

There’s no need to say all of that. It’s enough for Isak to pull the blanket back around Even’s chest, tucking his lower body into it like a cocoon. Isak goes for a kiss, but Even goes for his ear instead, and whispers lovingly, “I tried to be chill but you’re so hot that I melted.” He tops it off by licking the shell of Isak’s ear.  

Isak recoils, flipping over a pillow as he nearly slides off the bed. “We’re officially no longer together,” he deadpans.

Once Even breaks into laughter, it doesn’t even take five seconds for Isak’s frown to crack. In another minute, he’s smiling just as wildly. 

It’s enough.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello my tumblr is [adamparishe](http://adamparishe.tumblr.com/)! come say hello.


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